Leaping with Faith and Cold Feet

Standing on the edge of a beautiful cliff, I contemplate the exhilaration of plunging into the ocean of unknown below. The brightest of blue skies reaches in all directions above my horizon. The most vibrant array of blue hues drift about in the water far below me. The sun reflects gold sparkles on the ocean’s surface making it that much more picturesque and alluring. The water waits to consume and refresh my entire body. It waits for me to leap from the sturdy ground beneath my feet. I pause, as I do whenever I come to this place, and analyze.  

I analyze the potential dangers. What if my body hits a protruding stone on my way down? What if the water is shallower than it appears? What if there are schools of hungry barracudas ready to eat me completely?

I analyze the potential backlash. What if I decide that everything on this cliff is better than anything I discover in that water? What if I can’t find my way back up to this place? Who may I disappoint by leaving the comfort and security of where I stand? 

I analyze the potentiality of failure. What if I do not find what I am looking for on this adventure in this ocean? What if I am not accepted amongst the leapers who have plunged before me? What if leaping does not make me happy but instead causes misery and sadness?  

I analyze and analyze and, despite the perceived odds, I decide that jumping is a good idea anyway.

I see how beautiful the water is, its vastness of opportunity. It invites me. It causes my heart to beat brighter beneath my skin. I like this feeling. I feel alive. The possibilities seem infinitely better than those standing on the cliff, or turning back without jumping at all. My decisions, even the ones that have caused shame and disappointment, paved my path to get to this cliff. Going backwards is simply not a viable alternative. At least not one I am willing to relive.

So, I jump. I jump feet first because it seems to add safety amidst the hazardous conditions. But, nonetheless, I jump. I call on my courage to make this initiative. I jump despite my internal analytics.

Wow. The freedom of the air surrounding my body as I gracefully fall to the ocean surface causes tears of joy. I am liberated. I am courageous. I am a dream maker and faith leaper. In this moment, bound only by gravity and wind, anything is possible, anything imaginable.

Suddenly, that realization paralyzes me. Anything is possible. How can I ever successfully navigate a life where anything is possible? How can I find my version of happiness in a sea of infinite versions of ‘happy’? I cannot possibly continue.

Half way from where my feet left the cliff edge and the surface of water below, I scramble to find stable ground. I gasp for breath while processing my second thoughts. I attempt to defy gravity and crawl upward through the air, and as if the universe knew I’d get cold feet, a rocky platform appears along the cliff wall. I grab ahold by my fingertips and use all of my strength to safely lift myself to the security of the ledge, the ledge midway between comfort and adventure.

Once securely on the flat bluff I feel relief. Don’t get me wrong, I want to jump. I have wanted to jump for a long time. I want to feel the embrace of the beautiful opportunities that wait for me in the ocean. I will always want that. But the overwhelm of infinite possibilities seems more than I think I can handle.

So, I sit on the small overlook in purgatory. Above me is my past and I slightly die inside considering a sheepish return to what was. Below me awaits my future and, although I see all of my dreams coming true, I am bursting with doubt that I deserve that kind of happiness.

As if prompted, self-pity emerges from thin air and sits down on the ledge next to my slumped body. How she got here I do not know. She certainly wasn’t invited. But like a bully, self-pity jumps on my chest and stares at me with distain. I know what she wants to say to me so I look away. My heart closes, its bright light dims. I am so close to achieving my dreams but I stand in my own way. Doubting my strength, questioning my courage, and believing my fears of failure, judgment, and inadequacy, I restrain myself from attaining bliss.   

I cry. How do I get off this suffocating platform without jumping into the wild unknown? How can I possibly climb up to the security of the cliff where I used to stand? If I do manage to go back, what do I do once I get there?

That is when I realize, there are only two options to choose from:

1) I can stay on this ledge for the rest of my life, sitting with self-pity, a closed heart, and bitterness for doubting my own greatness half way to freedom and paradise.

2) I can open my heart, allow the uncertainty to ignite me, be confident that I deserve everything I desire, and just fucking jump!

I can no longer hide. Only one of these options is really optional. I know in my heart what I need to do to escape purgatory, to break away from past comforts, so I delete the possibility of alternatives and prepare myself to jump, again.

With that, I hug my self-pity, thank her for her tough love, and tell her I no longer require her services. I wipe my tears, lift myself upright, and wrap my toes around the side of the small bluff. I look up with gratitude to the sky that held this space for me. I look to the cliff above acknowledging the pivotal landmark of my past.

I close my eyes. I fill my lungs with fresh ocean air and smile from the center of my open heart. With arms spread wide, I dive headfirst into the unknown. I soar freely, confidently, authentically through space until I plunge into the vast ocean. Immediately, limitless possibilities engulf me, but it does not overwhelm me. Instead, happiness emerges from crevasses inside of my soul that had never before seen sunlight. I am lifted to a new stratosphere where my reality mirrors the illusions of my favorite dreams.

Floating effortlessly in my new home, my ocean of possibilities, I look up and see the cliff where I came from further than ever away from my new home, my ocean of possibilities. I see the ledge that provided the necessary pause to fully prepare myself for blissful living. I smile. I smile with wonderment of my journey. I smile with gratitude for the realization that it is worth every detour it took to get here, for, I know I have arrived.